I swear I don't even know the man, anymore

There were several things that attracted me to my husband (SWI) in the early days of our relationship:

1. While sensitive and somewhat shy, he also had an underlying strength that prevented him from being taken advantage of by others.

2. He seemed to be able to get the necessary things done in his life without being anal about them.

3. He had a great sense of humor and the kind of laugh that as soon as you heard it, you were laughing, too.

4. He had compassion for others in lesser circumstances than his own, and even if he didn't help in any concrete ways (for example, with donations, money contributions, etc) he at least still had the compassion.

5. While he had high expectations for our children, he also understood that they were young and would make mistakes while trying to learn.

6. He was careful to separate his job-related stress from his homelife.

7. He always took an interest in my work, activities with friends, etc.

8. Intimacy was something we both looked forward to and always had in common.

9. His political interests, while always different from mine, at least allowed for some agreement/consensus.


Sadly, none of those things appear to be true any longer.

While he might still be sensitive, I cannot consider him 'shy' but 'unsocial.' What came across as shyness is now clearly a predominant tendency to unsociability. My SWI would much rather spend his time alone than with anyone else, or in a group. And while he still avoids being taken advantage of, there is no openness there...it's like he's always on guard. And while he might be vulnerable in some respects, he never allows that to show, not even to those closest to him. My SWI trusts NO ONE, not his parents, not his sibling, not his co-workers or friends, not even me. And it shows. Always wary and tense, he gives the distinct impression that the next person he encounters will do him harm unless he is on guard against them.

My SWI has no regular chores that he does around the house, anymore, except yard maintenance. (In the summer, it was mowing the lawn...now that winter is here, eventually, his only responsibility will be to use the tractor for heavy snow removal.) The majority of his days are spent lying on the sofa, watching endless empty hours of TV while I'm busy doing everything else. He gets no physical exercise at all. He asked for The Clapper for xmas so that while he's lying on the sofa, he doesn't have to get up to turn the lamp off on the table beside him. To me, if you're willing to pay good money to be THAT lazy, you've just created a whole new definition of lazy! It's not difficult to see why I'm having trouble summoning the appropriate amount of respect that a wife should have for her husband, especially in this instance. Asking him to do simple things, like letting the dog out, or going down to the basement to get a loaf of bread out of the freezer prompt huge, impatient sighs, and protestations of 'can't YOU do it?!'

All too often, my SWI's sense of humor now involves humor at the expense of someone else. I can't say that that is a continual problem, because it only happens occasionally, but there are definitely times where he carries the humor too far and starts hurting peoples' feelings, when he was always careful to avoid that in the past. Maybe that's part of the reason why his laughter no longer inspires us to laugh with him...

My SWI no longer appears to possess even the smallest shred of compassion, anymore. Occasionally, he would give some change to the homeless man that hangs out by the post office. He doesn't, anymore, which is okay, except now he's convinced that the man isn't really homeless, he's just a con looking to make easy money from people with 'bleeding hearts.' He has developed an outright disdain for people who show kindness to others in dire circumstances, insisting that the homeless, the destitute, and the unemployed are solely responsible for their awful situations. It's hard for me to believe, but this is the same man who led a Cub Scout troop for three years. This is the same man who saw a small child on the side of a busy highway and risked his own life to stop his car and help the lost/runaway child get back to his parents. In the compassion aspect, I would say this is a 180 degree turnaround.

He has very little patience with our children (who are now legal adults) anymore, regardless of the fact that my stepson hasn't lived with us in over 3 years. My SWI is unable to tolerate my son lying on 'HIS' sofa (even when he's not at home to lie on it, himself) and cannot seem to tolerate even the slightest amount of holdover-teenage-self-centeredness, or even the vaguest hint of an exasperated tone in his voice, for example. Every time my husband claims that my son has committed some sort of infraction, the first thing he says is that 'he can always find somewhere else to live.' Maybe it's a guy thing that I just don't understand, but I don't want my son to feel like his home isn't really his home, kwim? The kid just graduated from high school in June. He is in college, he's holding a job, (which is more than I can say for my stepson) so I wish my SWI would cut him a little slack.

He still tries to keep his job stress separate from his family/personal life, but it seems to be tougher for him, now. A lot of this might be directly related to his Depression (which he claims to not have, anymore) but if it's not Depression, then he's turned into the equivalent of an 80-yr old man who rarely leaves the house (and sofa!) except to go to work. If he's sent me an email or called me at work to b*tch about his day at work before he's even left work for the day, I take that as a warning to avoid him once he arrives home, and I'll warn my son to avoid him as well. However, sometimes that's not good enough, and we get the spillover, anyway.

To say that my son and I often walk on eggshells is an understatement. Being unable to tolerate loud noises or distractions of any type, no matter how inocuous or well-intentioned has been my SWI's modus operandi for the better part of the last 5 years now. Although his right to make loud noises that annoy others on purpose (like stomping through the house and slamming doors, for example) is protected. Which brings me to the detested double standard. The unspoken 'rules' that he expects us, the other household members, to abide by have never been followed by he, himself. He has always demanded special exceptions though no one else is granted that leeway.

He no longer seems to have any interest in what I do, either at work, or in my personal life with friends. If I attempt to share those things with him in conversation, he makes it clear he is not interested by dropping eye contact after the first minute or two, preferring to return to his beloved TV or magazine article, instead. I've learned to not bother trying to talk about my life with him, anymore. Why waste my breath?

Our sex life had always been at least good, if not very good, until we had been married over a year, and then it started going downhill. There were several years there when his Depression was bad that the frequency dropped to once every 2 to 3 months. (That was extremely tough for me...my ideal frequency is every other DAY.) Despite at least two focused attempts to discuss this sole specific issue with him, he still refuses to make romance/intimacy a priority. For him, foreplay doesn't begin until we take our clothes off and get into bed together. There is no passion, there is no ardor. There is no pursuit, there are only rare occasions when he approaches me with hugs, squeezes, etc, and if it wasn't for my being the initiator 95% of the time, I swear we'd rarely have sex at all. I am a very tactile person and he is aware of this. He knows how important regular touching is to me. Foreplay begins in the mind, and it begins long before we ever reach the bedroom. My SWI seems to have forgotten that and nothing I have been able to say or do has made any improvement. It has now gotten to the point where I mostly just prefer not to have sex with him at all, since I know it will just be another 10-minute passionless mechanical session.

In the span of our eight years together, my SWI's political views have gone from moderate Republican to now extreme right-wing Libertarianism/Republican (except for the heavy religious aspect.) He believes that certain conspiracy theories are fact, and he very much resents that his tax dollars go toward helping those in society who are less fortunate (here's another place where the 'no compassion' issue comes into play.) The icing on the cake came when he told me to 'keep my calendar open' for April 2010, when he's planning for us to attend the next 'teabagger' march on Washington DC.

WTF???!?

I couldn't keep the look of shock from my face. ' Does the man not know me?' I wondered. I knew his beliefs had grown even more right-leaning over the years, but I had no idea that he is now starting to identify with these extreme right-wing nutjobs who no semi-intelligent person takes seriously! I replied that he should plan to go alone or with someone else, as I would never willingly choose to participate in something like that.

And now we're getting ready to take a weeklong trip together. *sigh*

I wish that I could count on a week's vacation producing tangible benefits for my marriage, but I guess I'm just not that hopeful.

Is it hormones? Age? Regular exercise?

Wow, I had a helluva dream last night! (And it's probably not one that I could share with my SWI!)

I'm not sure what's to blame: Hormones? Age? Getting back into my regular exercise routine? Overactive imagination?

Whatever caused it, I'm glad it did...! *tremble*

The man in my dream was gorgeous...blue eyes, salt & pepper gray hair, neatly trimmed beard and moustache, probably a few years older than me. And the things we were doing...! Well, let's just say I was very satisfied and leave it at that. *blush*

And yes, there was Passion there in that dream, between that gorgeous blue-eyed man and I...it was so thick I wondered why it wasn't visible...

Which brings me to a whole new appreciation for the beauty and wonder and sheer delight of MEN. Aren't they just awesome, delightful, humorous, charming, interesting beings? I guess you could say I'm a huge fan! *wink*

Every man has at least one good thing going for him, and every man is unique and wonderful in his own way. Some men are lucky (or determined!) and have several good things going for them.

Here's to men everywhere who do the best they can to do good things, help take care of their families, and still keep their hearts open to joy!

Remember passion?

No, I mean Passion.

Romantic passion with a capital "P."


The Passion where we've spent so much time kissing and I want him so much, that I've soaked through my panties....the Passion where every one of my senses is overwhelmed with him and I can't get enough of how intoxicating he smells, how his sighs and moans tell me I'm doing everything right, how warm and firm he feels under my hands, how sweet and luscious he tastes...all over....that I can't resist one more minute, I simply MUST have him....

Yeah, THAT kind of Passion.


I think I don't have enough of that in my life. In fact, I think I have spent the last four or five years having way too little of that in my life.

I'm not a 20-nothing, 6', 105 lb model, but I'm not a hideous beast, either. I'm attractive, and I love to do what pleases a man...and I have almost 27 years of experience.

I have the love and occasional lukewarm affection of my SWI, but where is the ardor? Where is the Passion?

Over the last couple of years, I've taken an inexplicable liking to opera, particularly Italian opera, sung by men. There is something so sexy and romantic about a gorgeous man singing 'to me' in Italian that just makes me feel so alive....

The Power of Addiction...

I am continually amazed at the power of substances to impact not only the addict's life, but the lives of everyone around him/her. And it's interesting to see which people fall victim to which substances and why. Saddest of all, are the lives of the children whose parents are addicts...

These children learn early on that they cannot rely upon the addicted parent to look out for their needs 100% of the time. Like all of us, I believe that addicts have "good" days and "bad" days...on the good days, their children are happier, but they can never fully relax, knowing that another bad day can be right around the corner. These children grow up wary of adults...never sure which ones they can trust and which ones they can't. What burns my butt the most about addicts with children is that even if the addict is aware of the fact that their addiction is harming his/her children, they are too far under the influence of the substance to care. These are the same parents who will go running to the school principal to complain about their child's conflict with another student, but they refuse to acknowledge how their own actions/inactions are crippling their kids (AND threatening their futures as healthy adults) every single day of their young lives.

So what causes these people, who would probably otherwise be great parents, to abandon their children precisely when they need them the most, to pursue their addiction? And what about the parents with multiple addictions? The parents who are not only addicted to tobacco and alcohol, (which are both legal, btw) but to other (illegal) substances as well? After spending the money to purchase the substances, and investing the time and effort in order to procure the substances, and the time and effort required to use the substances safely from prying eyes, and the time and effort required to lie to everyone who isn't in on the "secret," tell me: just how much time, effort and INTEGRITY is left to be an honest, moral, effective parent? And what about the mood swings when they need their fix but can't, for one reason or another, get it? How can children trust a parent who behaves like that?

Oh, I'm sure these parents have lots of good reasons (ie, excuses ) for WHY they are addicted: I had a horrible childhood, my parents beat me/abused me/allowed others to abuse me/were alcoholics or drug addicts themselves/didn't meet my needs, etc. Lots of people endured less-than-ideal childhoods, so why aren't we ALL addicts? What separates those who succumb to addiction and those who don't? IMHO, it's their inner strength...those who don't have much feel unable to deal with real life without the crutch of drugs and/or alcohol. These addicts may have been shown the example in their own childhood that the way to deal with their problems is to get drunk/high/stoned...perhaps they never had adults in their lives model appropriate, healthy ways to handle problems/frustrations. And then there are those addicted parents who are continually in so much emotional pain, from an awful childhood, from poor life choices of their own, from the rejection of those who may have been close to them, from the multiple failures of their own attempts to be "normal," that drugs/alcohol are the only things that allow them to "forget"... even though using the substances only exacerbate those problems.

IMHO, even addicted parents can decide that their children are more important than feeding their own addiction/s. Aren't they able to look at their own lives and decide that they don't want their children to be addicted like them? Don't they want their kids to have all of the advantages they can possibly have so that they can grow up to be honest, UNaddicted adults who handle their problems in HEALTHY ways? Don't all parents want that for their kids? Since I'm not an addict myself, this is the part I have the most trouble understanding...how can addicted parents allow their addictions to rule their entire lives, even to the point of losing custody of their kids? Sadly, the kids are the ones who suffer the most, and carry the maladaptive coping mechanisms they learned in their chaotic childhood into adulthood...setting the stage for their own difficulties in relationships with others (both personal and in the workplace) their own issues with substances, etc.

If I could ensure that every child in the world had a happy, healthy childhood would I? Of course. But ultimately, it's the parents who bring these children into the world who shape them into the adults they will eventually become. And sadly, 99.9% of the time, kids can't choose the parents who raise them.

*sigh*