The Power of Addiction...

I am continually amazed at the power of substances to impact not only the addict's life, but the lives of everyone around him/her. And it's interesting to see which people fall victim to which substances and why. Saddest of all, are the lives of the children whose parents are addicts...

These children learn early on that they cannot rely upon the addicted parent to look out for their needs 100% of the time. Like all of us, I believe that addicts have "good" days and "bad" days...on the good days, their children are happier, but they can never fully relax, knowing that another bad day can be right around the corner. These children grow up wary of adults...never sure which ones they can trust and which ones they can't. What burns my butt the most about addicts with children is that even if the addict is aware of the fact that their addiction is harming his/her children, they are too far under the influence of the substance to care. These are the same parents who will go running to the school principal to complain about their child's conflict with another student, but they refuse to acknowledge how their own actions/inactions are crippling their kids (AND threatening their futures as healthy adults) every single day of their young lives.

So what causes these people, who would probably otherwise be great parents, to abandon their children precisely when they need them the most, to pursue their addiction? And what about the parents with multiple addictions? The parents who are not only addicted to tobacco and alcohol, (which are both legal, btw) but to other (illegal) substances as well? After spending the money to purchase the substances, and investing the time and effort in order to procure the substances, and the time and effort required to use the substances safely from prying eyes, and the time and effort required to lie to everyone who isn't in on the "secret," tell me: just how much time, effort and INTEGRITY is left to be an honest, moral, effective parent? And what about the mood swings when they need their fix but can't, for one reason or another, get it? How can children trust a parent who behaves like that?

Oh, I'm sure these parents have lots of good reasons (ie, excuses ) for WHY they are addicted: I had a horrible childhood, my parents beat me/abused me/allowed others to abuse me/were alcoholics or drug addicts themselves/didn't meet my needs, etc. Lots of people endured less-than-ideal childhoods, so why aren't we ALL addicts? What separates those who succumb to addiction and those who don't? IMHO, it's their inner strength...those who don't have much feel unable to deal with real life without the crutch of drugs and/or alcohol. These addicts may have been shown the example in their own childhood that the way to deal with their problems is to get drunk/high/stoned...perhaps they never had adults in their lives model appropriate, healthy ways to handle problems/frustrations. And then there are those addicted parents who are continually in so much emotional pain, from an awful childhood, from poor life choices of their own, from the rejection of those who may have been close to them, from the multiple failures of their own attempts to be "normal," that drugs/alcohol are the only things that allow them to "forget"... even though using the substances only exacerbate those problems.

IMHO, even addicted parents can decide that their children are more important than feeding their own addiction/s. Aren't they able to look at their own lives and decide that they don't want their children to be addicted like them? Don't they want their kids to have all of the advantages they can possibly have so that they can grow up to be honest, UNaddicted adults who handle their problems in HEALTHY ways? Don't all parents want that for their kids? Since I'm not an addict myself, this is the part I have the most trouble understanding...how can addicted parents allow their addictions to rule their entire lives, even to the point of losing custody of their kids? Sadly, the kids are the ones who suffer the most, and carry the maladaptive coping mechanisms they learned in their chaotic childhood into adulthood...setting the stage for their own difficulties in relationships with others (both personal and in the workplace) their own issues with substances, etc.

If I could ensure that every child in the world had a happy, healthy childhood would I? Of course. But ultimately, it's the parents who bring these children into the world who shape them into the adults they will eventually become. And sadly, 99.9% of the time, kids can't choose the parents who raise them.

*sigh*